Poor Neglected Blog

I'm still here although my blog probably thinks I abandoned it. I actually had to go back and read my last entry because it's been that long. Almost 6 months, wow! Is anyone even still following me? If so, I'm gonna try to give you the short version of what's been happening with me (us).

After having my follow up appointment with the fertility doctor, he decided to take me off of the hormone patches that he had prescribed to me. He was confused when we were discussing some of my symptoms so he wanted to see where my levels were without using the patch. After about a week of being off of it, I had blood work done and met again with the fertility doctor to go over my results. He actually had good news for me. My FSH levels were back to normal!! I couldn't believe it and neither could he. He said that I was an interesting lady. I fully believe that God played a big part in this because there's no other explanation of why things went back to normal.

Just when we felt like things were getting back to "normal" we found out that Steve's mom had lung cancer. This was another blow to our crappy year. Luckily she was able to have an operation to remove the cancer and I'm happy to say that she is now cancer free!

The holidays came and went. We spent Christmas in New York with Steve's family. We had a great time and we were able to visit with family that we haven't seen in a long time.

Fast forward to January. I got a positive pregnancy test on the 20th. I was so, so excited and felt like things were finally going our way. I called my doctor to set up my appointments and to find out what I had to do to start my blood thinner shots (not something I was looking forward to but I knew it had to be done). I had my first appointment when I was 6 weeks along. I had an ultrasound just to confirm that I was in fact really pregnant. After dealing with the ovary issues, I needed to know for sure. I was so nervous at my appointment but after seeing that little flutter on the screen during the ultrasound, my mind was put at ease. I met with the nurse to go over everything I already know. My next appointment after that was scheduled for February 26th. A day or two before my appointment, I started to get really nervous. I had a bad feeling, like something wasn't right. I wasn't having morning sickness like I was before. I still had it but it wasn't that bad. When we got to the doctors office, we met with my doctor to go over some questions that we had then she took us to the ultrasound room (the same room that I was in when I got the horrible news about Andrew). After a quick exam, she proceeded to do the ultrasound. I could tell by her face when she started to look at the baby that something wasn't right plus I wasn't seeing that tiny flicker on the screen. She finally turned to us and said "I'm sorry but there's no heartbeat". I hate those words, hate them, hate them, hate them. Steve was a little confused, he didn't understand what she was trying to say. I just looked at him and said "there's no baby". I couldn't believe we were going through another loss. Just when things were looking so good, we get knocked down again. On March 4th, I had a d&c. It went okay considering the circumstances. The morning of the d&c, Steve's mom made a surprise visit. She flew in that morning from NY to be with us. She is such a great support for us as well as Steve's dad and my parents. We are very lucky to have supportive and caring families.

Now we're back at square one again. I'm tired of being disappointed. I feel like the past year has been one big disappointment after another. I am trying to stay positive though. There's nothing I can do to change the past, it is what it is.

With that being said, here are some pictures of Matthew from Easter. I can't believe he's going to be 3 years old in a few months. He's growing up so fast, too fast. He is talking so well and he knows how to count from 1 - 20, he knows his colors, shapes and ABC's. I'm so proud of him.

Still Here...

Sorry that I haven't updated my blog in a while. I've been in a strange place lately and quite honestly, I really haven't felt like doing much of anything. I feel like it takes all I've got just to get through the day. Today marks 5 months since I gave birth to Andrew. I still can't believe we had to let our baby boy go.

I have my follow up appointment today with the fertility doctor regarding my premature ovary failure issue. We hope to find out what caused this to happen and what our next steps will be. I'm sure the question of whether we want to use donated eggs will come up but I'm pretty sure we will not be going that route. I think we've came to the conclusion that if God wants us to have another child, he will make it possible. Plus using someone eggs can be expensive and that's just not something we can afford right now. So we're pretty much putting this in God's hands now and hopefully he will lead the way and show us what we should do.

I wanted to make others aware that tomorrow is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you can, please light a candle at 7pm for one hour in loving memories of our babies. You can click on the box below for more information.

When It Rains, It Pours

This week has been kinda crazy. It started on Sunday night with Matthew having a fever. We were hoping he wasn't getting sick but of course he did. I took him to the doctor yesterday and he was diagnosed with hand, foot and mouth disease. I was really surprised that he had it again because I had heard that once a child gets it, they cannot get it again. I asked the doctor about it and she said that there's always a different strand going around so that's probably why he got it again. The kicker? There's nothing they can give to him to help make him better. It has to run it's course so we've had a couple of rough nights around here. He has sores in his mouth that are really bothering him and every time he swallows, it hurts. He is acting better today so I'm hoping that it's finally clearing up. He hasn't been to daycare yet this week. I'm hoping he'll be able to go back on Friday.

The other event going on in our house is that I've been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. When I visited my primary OB last month, she had some blood work done which came back with not so good results so she sent me to the fertility specialist. So yesterday he informed me that my ovaries have stopped functioning and I have a very slim chance of getting pregnant again. Talk about a low blow. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How is this fair? First we lose our son and now I probably can't have anymore babies? It's so hard to comprehend this. It just doesn't make any sense. They don't have a reason for why this has happened. I have to get more blood work done (oh joy!) to find out the cause. This is something that cannot be fixed but they can at least find out the cause of it. Either way it sucks and it's very devastating to say the least. But at the same time I'm trying to keep a positive outlook about it. There is still a slim chance that I can get pregnant so I'm holding out hope but at the same time I don't want to drive myself crazy every month. It's going to a constant battle to remain calm and collected about the whole matter. Why does it have to be this difficult? I envy the people that don't have any problems, they don't know how lucky they really are.

Anniversary and a Camping Trip

Last Friday, Aug 28th, Steve and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe it's been 5 years ago since I married my best friend. Never in a million years would I have guessed that we would have went through the horrible tragedy of losing our child. But we've remained strong and determined that we weren't going to let this break us. I read in a book right after we lost Andrew that the divorce rate jumps up to 80% when a couple loses a child. Wow, how is that for odds?? We've had hard days, I won't even begin to act like we haven't but we're getting through and I know in the end, it will make us stronger.

Also on Friday, we drove to Erie, PA for a long weekend of camping along with both sets of grandparents. We had a really good time despite the rain. Steve took some awesome pictures that I can hopefully put on here when he sends them to me (hint, hint). We did a lot of eating and talking, playing cards and making campfires. It was so nice to just get away.

So I started Weight Watchers yesterday. I'm on a mission to lose 30 pounds. I've gained 25 pounds since Steve and I got married so that pretty much breaks down to 5 lbs a year and now it's time to get rid of it. So like I was saying, yesterday was my first day and I already went over my points so wish me lots of luck because I think I'm gonna need it!!

Visiting The Place Where Our Nightmare Began

I had an appointment today with my OB/GYN. This wasn't my first visit there since having Andrew. A few weeks after having him, I had to go back for a follow up with my doctor. I think I was more nervous about going there today than I was for my follow up visit. I was picturing a waiting room full of very happy and excited pregnant women. Luckily that wasn't the case. Coincidentally yesterday was 6 weeks since my due date so of course I was thinking that this should have been my 6 week check up. Crazy things like that run through your mind when you suffer the loss of a baby. Anyways, I had a good visit although my body isn't acting the way that it should and it's starting to frustrate me but hopefully things will be back to normal soon.

This weekend we're heading to Erie, PA for a few days of camping. Steve's parents are meeting us there along with my parents. I'm looking forward to a nice, relaxing time. I really hope the weather cooperates and it doesn't rain. We'll be staying in cabins with no bathrooms. I'm not too crazy about that but I'm trying to be a trooper. I had thought about bringing Matthew's little potty so I don't have to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I thought it was a good idea but Steve said that it was a gross idea. It can't be any more gross than peeing behind a tree, right?